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Tuesday
Dec112012

Before You Throw Your Marriage Away: Here's Mini Couseling to Jump Start it Back Up!

                        What once was a happy union has now changed into sleeping with the enemy. You barely talk, touch or share much of anything. You almost dislike this person that you said I do to. So is this the end of your story and are you going to live the rest of your life as such? Or do you think there is a chance to rekindle what you had. Well that depends on both of you, can you open your mind to wipe the slate clean from the hurt and the pain you have endured from your partner. It has to be both of you; it cannot be just one of you working to save this failing marriage. Next question would be… how? It will take patience, work and for you to put aside the crap you have done, felt and seen from the time your union started to slide downwards. You have to first know that it is easy to meet people but it is a bitch to actually find someone that will be on your page of life that will be ready as you are and in the direction you going. What am I trying to say? You can meet many people but for it to actually turn into what you may want at some given point is very hard. So before you get the suitcases out to either leave or put them at the door for your spouse to exit I want to make it clear single people are having the hardest time finding a partner that even wants a relationship let alone the always and forever. You may feel you are okay with that and this is absolutely fine but before you exit the marriage and start the divorce make sure you won’t want to change your mind. Okay now that I made that crystal clear, how do you even have a chance to rekindle what you may have had? You both need to sit first and go through your photo album of when you two got married. Talk about why you took that walk down the aisle. Reminisce on dates you had prior to I do. The funny things that happened that made you two laugh and laugh. Although I am divorced I can think back to things that we did that puts a smile on my face. See if you feel any connection at all you still have much work. Go on a romantic date, where no fighting is allowed. This is the number one rule. Dress to impress one another. Give a budget to go get something new, especially for the ladies. If your budget is tight, find something that makes you feel pretty and make it a point to notice and tell you partner how nice they look. Talk about positive things that you wish to do or have in the future. You are not doing this all in one day. Make a date night every week and keep it. You have videos, photos if you have children see all the reasons you two bonded. The struggle you have had the brought you together. Talk about all the problems or reason why you two may have fallen out of love or touch. You still may have feelings deep down for your spouse if you can lift the problems. Find out where things may have taken a wrong turn. By getting reacquainted with your mate and taking the time to talk and show you do care it may trigger better memories. Touch, hug and show you still care. This is probably one of the reasons where you went wrong. I know that when I got divorced I didn’t want anything to do with my guy. I was the one that wanted out because he had anger issues but I feel that I see him now and he has grown into a good man. (I got married very young). So don’t throw away a person before you see if they are willing to change and can give each other what you are both looking for. Start to rebuild good memories to replace them with the sour ones. You could be on your way to repairing you marriage. When you see you that you may be able to like them again, you may find that your heart can be open to loving them as well. As these weeks go by and you are building a better foundation you will begin to realize maybe you two do have a future together. Once you are out on your own and you see what you have, you might have second thoughts. So make sure you do give it a chance before you say, this sucks and Barbara was right! Barbara Jeanne xo

Sunday
Dec092012

Stop the Confusion of Dating, Here's Help!

I think people go on a dating sites for the most part looking for someone to hang out with and maybe see where it goes. That’s what I believe all these dating sites assumed when they started making them. They would hook people up and hopefully it work out and they could say they were successful. But that has not been the case. I don’t think that these sites are exactly running the way they had expected. So what may be going wrong? Well first of they are called dating sites. A date is two people meeting, just as if you are meeting someone that you did not meet on the internet. Although when you meet someone in person you can see that instant connection that helped couple for many years fined love. That is where love at first sight came from. A on line date would be you would see their picture, talk, and see if you like them enough to meet. Many people who go on these dates for some reason may have been talking sexual prier so at some point you either sleep with them (a one night stand) or choose to restrain to see where the friendship goes, which is the right decision. This is the same decision you have to make either meeting on line or in person. When you sleep with the person you meet either in person or on line it changes the equation especially for most women. More emotions come into play. You should be in complete control; I mean it is your life. But for some reason I don’t think this is the case. One of the two people dominates and the one that is the weak seems to get hurt. We do have to remember all these sites including Match.Com, E harmony, Facebook, Google, Yahoo, etc. are exactly that dating or social sites. And what is a date? It doesn’t matter if you meet on line or in reality of everyday life. It is two people that go out and get to know one another. I would always say number one rule never have sex on your first date. Basically never have sex until you are in a committed relationship. But that’s another article. Okay, so you meet this person, you may like what you see, you chat on line and you like what you hear and you meet. It may go very well, but then you see them still looking. You understand you are just chatting and starting to date but they may be looking hard core. They are always on, maybe on multiple sites. You see them on and your feelings get hurt but here is the big explanation. This is what dating is. Although it may suck and you are confused dating and a relationship are two different things. You two had such a connection or so you thought. They told you everything you wanted to hear. So why are they still looking? You have to realize people that meet in person go through the same situation. You might meet in person and have a great friendship/new relationship going on and then you see them on a site. They aren’t texting and calling you as they were. No matter what way you meet, people today seem to think they need to keep going to the next. But in reality it is extremely hard to connect two people. So if you do find that person that makes you smile, laugh and lifts your mind, heart and soul hold on to them. On line you do not get to know what exactly you’re going to get. You’re not completely sure what the person looks like. Is there picture up to date?  They can be shorter, heavier, older and worst of all married. Anyway just leaving you hanging may leave you feeling less than happy. What you need to look for is a relationship site but there really aren’t any. This site should have people who are seriously looking for a committed real deal. They are ready to go into a loving, healthy relationship. They are not getting out of a relationship, going through a divorce or going to drag you through this roller coaster of I like you, I like you not. You are so confused it makes you feel like you are turning into a detective trying to figure out what your crush is thinking. Do they like you? Why aren’t they calling you? I am writing this because this has been the number one problem I am getting from everyone of all ages from 20’s to 60’s. I hear this literally all day from different people that are truly hurt. The person that the thought they could give their heart to is tearing their heart apart. Something is going seriously wrong. So what can we do until someone smart enough such as me finally makes a relationship site? Be on the same page from the get go and if it strays or leaves you feeling as something as changed be strong and let it go. If red flags pop up don’t put them on the back burner, be strong and let it go. Let them come to you and if they want you, and like you…they will. Barbara Jeanne xo

Saturday
Dec012012

How To Find Love (What To Do Right & What You're Doing Wrong)

Why is it that people go on every social site from Facebook to Plenty of Fish, Match.Com, to E Harmony and the list goes on without success? Could it be that all these sites can’t match people? Remember these sites are here to bring two people that meet to begin to talk. From this point it is the two people that meet to get to know one another and to see if there is chemistry over the internet. From there you two might go on to speak on the phone. If all goes well from here then usually you two go on to meet. The person that you meet may be everything you thought but many, many times they are not. So even if you give them a whirl, as you get to know them more and more you know they are not the one for you. So you continue to look, but that is something most people do anyway. There is not that much loyalty in meeting and seeing where it goes with one person. There are just too many people out there to just see one, many think. And this goes for both women and men. Next the more I am hearing women and men do not know how to treat their newly found friend. Even if they do like you, this still isn’t enough. Continuing to look for a better suited person, you look and look until you come to the realization that this doesn’t work, or does it. Could it be we just don’t know how to go about getting that relationship the one that we will want for always and forever? Maybe we think that is impossible so we look for the person for right now and move on to the next. This leaves us eventually unfulfilled, wanting to find the real deal. But I truly believe we need to work on ourselves. Work on how we treat people, especially the person we are looking to fall in love with. We need to treat them with respect. Men need to act like gentlemen and women needs to act like ladies. Don't bring up sex before you have at least gotten to know the person and become close and hopefully have meet. No sex before a commitment. Yes monogamy until you get into a relationship that you feel that having sex is more than just sex. Closer to making love, then you know it is right. Kissing is the best foreplay and flirty is a must. It is extremely fun to fondle, touch and have the want to have the other person. But before you give yourself and do this please have some sort of commitment. You should know if you care for this person and they care for you. This way you will not be hurt if you give yourself to someone only to see them surfing the net or the site you met after your encounter. Ladies should speak, act and conduct themselves as such and if you do not, learn. Men should open the door, take the lady out, even if it you don’t have the money. If you’re short on cash then plan something inexpensive, fun, use your imagination. But it’s important to take them on a date that creates excitement. None of this come hang out at my house. And girls, ladies and women should not accept this. You need to be able to have a good conversation, to get the want to continue to talk and to see one another. And you also need to show you are well rounded. This is what most people lack. If you are looking for a ten and don’t want to accept less then you should be a ten. If you are open to meeting different people you have a better chance at meeting the right one. Having an open mind and heart you will be able to have a bigger choice. Please work at being someone you would want to be with. And last of all don’t accept being plan b or a booty call. You will stay that role always. You will find love by being open and stay away from the people that you see the big red flags. Barbara Jeanne xo

Wednesday
Oct312012

The Love of Your Life At least You Thought, Why Are You So Miserable?

I was watching a show the other day where a couple met and hit it off. At first it seems as if he liked her so much that he wanted to spend all his time with her. As days went by it was blossoming into a beautiful relationship. She started to realize that what she thought was he’s sincere approach to show that he cared and loved her was turning more into strange and unwanted behavior. It started off in my eyes when they were on vacation which they went with a group for her sister’s husband birthday to Hawaii. He wanted to manipulate all her time with him alone. They missed the party boat that went out for the day that was to join the birthday boy in some fun in the sun. At first this was okay with her because she’s thinking it was a romantic getaway. We’ll at least that’s what she thought. Then when getting ready to meet up for the birthday dinner for her brother n law he was controlling her by telling her what to wear from what dress, to what shoes to even her jewelry. His behavior became even stranger when he told her friends that they were talking badly about him, which they were actually talking nicely and at this point he was just creepy to me. At dinner her sister confronted her that she missed the plane to go with them to get to Hawaii. Then they missed the party boat and her sister was upset with them and trying to explain her point of view. While the two sisters were going back and forth this guy is trying to put a blanket around her I guess he thought she was cold, and was basically on top of her trying to hold her hand and wiping her place mat. If this wasn’t strange enough, not really being his business he said “we don’t care”. At this point they two of them got up and left. As time was going by he was getting worse. She couldn’t go anywhere alone. She couldn’t talk on the phone and if she did talk on the phone or something that he wasn’t involved with he would get very upset. He started to put her down all the time, also saying that she was a big mess. The good thing is she finally opened up to a friend which in turn told her sister. The two sisters finally sat and talked. She told her sister he was so mean and controlling with her that she cried every day. With the support of her friend and sister it helped her to get strong enough to put an end to her unhappiness. She loved him very much but didn’t think she could live like this any longer. The love she did have for him at one time was turning more into anxiety and a stressful union. So she confronted him and it finally came to an end. Sometimes people come into your life and they seem like they are helping you, protecting you and loving you. Although they may love you, you may come to find they are not quite the person you thought they were. Nor are they the person you met that just wanted to make you happy. When you get to know them well enough that they feel a little more comfortable to open up to their real personality, you realize their ways are suffocating you and you can’t live like this. This is a form of abuse, to have anyone talk down to you. It doesn’t matter if you are a guy or a girl. Any form of control or making you feel uncomfortable to the point that you can’t be yourself you need to get out. If you are with a person that is telling you how to dress, okay guys need help sometimes, J or what you can or cannot do. Even worse is pouting, come on how are we. I see so many red flags in different relationships. People stay and they become use to this behavior which is unhealthy and it becomes part of everyday normal life. If you have family or friends stating to you that things are not right in your relationship please listen and don’t disregard. What they are saying is because they are most likely right and only have your best interest at heart. If you do hear this or feel this you may need to go for counseling. There is free counseling for relationship abuse. Verbal abuse can hurt and do as much damage as physical abuse. It is never too late to get out and get help. Barbara Jeanne xo

Wednesday
Oct172012

Unhappy Relationship, Fix it or Leave It (You do have a choice)

I have written about being in a relationship that you are unhappy, completely miserable and you feel stuck but you don’t know exactly how to get yourself out of the situation you are in, or stay because you have the sure thing. I can’t stress the fact enough that we all have one life, one shot to achieve happiness. So do I condone cheating absolutely not, do I think it happens because people become extremely unhappy and it happens, yes. At times people go out looking for someone to cheat with, others it might not be what they are looking for but deep down it might be what they are hoping for. Sometimes people get into a relationship with a person and as time rolls on this person is no longer the person the met, fell in love with and if they knew this is what they would get they would have bowed out long before the total commitment. So what can be done to get out of this relationship that is making you miserable? First off you have to be honest with yourself and make sure it is them that are not putting onto this relationship. It is them that have changed and it is the other person that won’t seek help with you. And it is the other person that won’t change to make neither you happy nor the relationship work. If it’s them then you can clearly say they won’t change and now what and where do you have to go from here and make a decision. If it’s you that wants out and you already have made up your mind or both that have stopped trying then it may be easier to say that you may both may be unhappy and can bow out together. This makes is simple, you can both take a bow and close the curtain and move on. Either way what you should want for your life, as well if you have children is happiness. And it may be a hard thing to pull off but it is essential to have an outcome that you dreamed of when you entered into a longtime or lifetime relationship. Hopefully you always had the dream to be happy. You should want and deserve to have eternal happiness. So even if you may have your work cut out for you. There are steps to achieving this and as you read my articles I will guide you. It’s not a guide to cheating or breaking up a family or relationship but to be happy, that simple. Barbara Feola xo